The Sakuma Diaries
by KaoruFan33
Summary: Reposted after so long! We all see Ryuichi as a very happy thirty year old singer. But what do we really know about him? And why does he really have Kumagaro? Anonymous review enabled! Sorry! TatxRyu


**The Sakuma Diaries**

**summary: **Reposted after so long! We all see Ryuichi as a very happy thirty year old singer. But what do we really know about him? And why does he really have Kumagaro? **TatxRyu**

**  
RATING MAY GO UP LATER, KIDDIES!**

'Kumagaro "**talking**"

'_Ryuichi thinking_'

'**Ryuichi's suicidal thoughts**'

"_Lyrics_"

**  
**

Enjoy!

XxXxXxXxXxX

**Chapter 1: Tourniquet: My Self-Rightious Suicide**

?POV:

I sighed as I slowly slunk to the floor in my beautiful penthouse; 54th floor, great view. Usually nice and peaceful, too. Still would be, as long as you managed to ignore the sound of my screaming fans, male and female alike, pounding on my door. "WE LOVE YOU RYUICHI! OPEN UP! PLEASE!" I hugged my little stuffed bunny, Kumagaro, so that we were forehead to forehead.

I shuddered at the feeling of fists banging against my newly installed, and imported, (compliments of Tohma-san) door.**(A/N: he's infront of it!)** 'Why must they always be so violent and straight-forward?' I thought. I buried my head deep into Kuma-san's pudgy little belly, (He did eat extra pudding!) and tried to block them all out. The screaming, the banging, the touching, grasping, groping... **_shudder_**.

_'Please, make them stop. Stop...please...I...can't...'_ I feel like I'm going to cry. Too late, I am crying. I can feel the salty wet tears running down my cheeks; why must they hurt so much? I open my eyes slowly as my tears are dried. It's Kumagaro, smiling at me. **'Don't be sad. I'm here for you, aren't I? I'll protect you from those meanies!'** I smile at his bravery and hug him tighter. For what seems like half an hour, the banging goes on and on; until, finally, I can hear them walking away.

I should be happy, they're all gone now; but I feel so empty. I can't even hear Kumagaro's voice anymore...

_'Wait...'_ I look down at him. _'What am I doing...' _**'I am a fool.'** _'Why do even carry this stupid little thing around?'_ I throw said stupid little thing and he, no, 'it', hits a lamp, knocking it over. Kumagaro just stares at me with those little black eyes, empty. So dark and empty; cold, just like me...I'm lost...concealed. It's sealing me...**'like an imperfect little package'**

I can hear him...**'Ryuichi...why? Please, you know you can tell me. You can always tell me...'** "Shut up! You're not real! So just, SHUT UP!" I close my eyes and plug my ears; rocking myself back and forthe on the floor. The tears like waterfalls now...cascading down my face. Slowly, I open my eyes and look at Kumagaro. He stares right back. I cautiously take my hands off my ears. I hear nothing but my own ragged breathing.

I want to escape. I need release so badly from this internal prison called life.

_'There has to be a cure. There's always a cure.'_

Then, like a magnificent light in the darkness, there it is. My truth, my salvation, my saviour. I slowly walk towards the cutter knife I'd been using to cut carrots with earlier.

**'I knew there was a cure. There's always a cure for a horrible disease.'**

I run my finger tip to the very edge of the sharp blade, and my _ugly_ reflection stares back. I glare at myself, my reflection. I hate who I am. I cannot be; therefore I will not be. I want to cut my hand, throat, stomach, face...

**'Bleed myself dry...I'm nothing...nothing...'**

The more I remember, the more I hate. Me, my past, my family, my life. I laugh. _'Wait, it's not life...it's hell on earth.'_ I laugh more and more. It's not even that funny. But all I can do is laugh. Laugh...boy, I am pathetic. I'm about to kill myself, and I laugh. God, how the hell could I not have seen this? How ironic. Just like my life...ironic.

**'Do it. Know one will miss you...'**

_"I tried to kill the pain  
But only brought more (so much more)"_

**'I'm a disease...the knife is the cure. Let me rid everyone of the disease that is Ryuichi Sakuma...'**

I do it. I cut myself, I don't know how many times...But once I started, I couldn't stop. Every slash, every cut, every gash; pure bliss on my skin. Like soft, silky bits of cloud rubbing against me...So wonderful. I keep going until I can go no more. I fall, in slow motion, to the floor, and I lie there in a pool of my own blood. Smiling like a madman. At least I think I am. My face feels so numb...It's the best feeling...Numbness...why didn't I think of this before?

_"I lay dying, and I am pouring crimson regret and betrayal  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming"_

Suddenly, for some reason unbeknownst to me that time, I start to cry. The pain shoots through my spine; my back arches as it creeps through my skin. I'm so cold...but I'm no longer numb...It hurts...everything hurts... I need someone to...save me...

_"Am I too lost to be saved?  
Am I too lost? "_

Where's my guardian angel? Who will be my tourniquet?

_"My God, my tourniquet, return to me salvation  
My God, my tourniquet, return to me salvation"_

Someone help...please...don't let me suffer any longer. Do not allow my tortured soul one more minute in this tragic hell...

_"(I want to die)"_

Then...I hear it...Footsteps, and they're heading towards my door. Please, oh please God, please...Do not let it be...

_"My God, my tourniquet, return to me salvation  
My God, my tourniquet, return to me salvation"_

It's him. I don't remember his name...but I know who he is. Eiri-chan's little brother...Tatsuya? Tatsuki? Tat...What does it matter...? He probably won't miss me either...One less person to shed tears on my grave. That's just fine...

_"My wounds cry for the grave  
My soul cries for deliverance"_

He shyly peeks his head in through the door. _'Are those roses behind his back...for me?'_ "Sakuma-sama, I just wanted to give you these flowers and ask you-**OH MY GOD**! Sakuma-sama! What the hell are you doing!" He ran over, easily pulling the knife from my hands...The overhead light behind him, oddly enough, it makes him look like..._'My guardian angel...?'_ He looks, concerned? But...why would anyone care if I died? Oh, I forgot, he's one of my 'biggest fans'...**'How come I'm not dead yet?'**

_"Will I be denied?"_

There are tears in his eyes as he rubs the sides of my face with his hands. _'Why does he care so much?'_

_"Christ, tourniquet"_

"D-don't worry, Sakuma-sama..." His voice is shaking. _'Is he trying to convince me or himself?'_ "I'm g-going to take you to the h-h-hospital; and everything will be alright ok? N-no w-worries...!" He then picked me up, bridal style, and began running out the door, practically flying down the stairways. _'How old is he again? Seventeen?'_ My vision started to fade...Eiri's brother's face was starting to fade. The last thing I thought was..._'He looks beautiful when he's worried...'_ Then, I closed my eyes for the last time...

_"My suicide"_

**End Chapter 1**

**G-sama: **Yep, it's back up and well under construction. BUT, you people must REVIEW! OR I'LL LEAVE IT AS IT AS! XD Wouldn't want that, eh? C'mon, PWEEZZZ? **(enter Ryu-chan face) **I wanna see how many people remember this and want it going.

**Chapter 1 Song:** "Tourniquet" by Evanescence


End file.
